Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
