Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
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