DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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