You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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