remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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