I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
