Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
