um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
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