My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize