The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
