I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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