do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
BRING THE BAGELS
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
