I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
