hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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