Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
