I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
