as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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