I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
