it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
