i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
