Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
