Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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