Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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