it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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