beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
