Someone shit on the floor
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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