well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
