i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Randomize
