Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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