I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
