I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize