But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
