Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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