is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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