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i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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