Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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