Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I don't deserve a penis
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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