I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
