why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
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