Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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