Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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