I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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