My friends, they love my intelligence
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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