Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
