id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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