I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
