I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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