I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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