I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
