went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
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