I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
