thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
