What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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