You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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