Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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