Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
