We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
