i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
