i may or may not be watching the land before time
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
